what are you doing New Year's Eve

It is the last morning of the year; and I'm sitting outside on the deck with my coffee, my laptop, and my husband (in that order) - enjoying the morning sun, while the birds chirp noisily on the tree in my neighbours yard, and the sound of vacuuming from yet another neighbour's house punctures through the silence.

It is going to be one of those perfect days. The breeze is calm and cooling, and there's a hush expectancy in the air. I wonder what everyone else is doing this last morning of the year. Out having a delicious breakfast by the beach? Running some last minute errands before the big party this evening? Or are they like me and The Husband - sitting in quiet, enjoying the solitude and each other's company, contemplating 'naught more than how still the world seems to be today. 

Our last guest from the wedding left two days ago, and The Husband and I are feeling the void now that there's no one left to take care of. There's no more need to have to go somewhere the minute we wake up, find something to do everyday, or cook big proper meals catering to each different guest's preference each time. After two months of doing so, we've been walking around in a daze, not quite sure what to do with ourselves now that there's nothing left to plan for anyone.

Next week, he returns to work with the rest of the world, while my ongoing battle with immigration, passports and permits will continue. But for the remainder of the week, I will enjoy having him to myself - doing whatever we want to, whenever we feel like, and mostly just feeling like myself again. 

In the afternoon, the Husband and I will head to my sister-in-law's place for a few drinks, before he and I go to the city for a six-course dinner and plenty of wine at Clooney's to toast the year ahead. It may not be the most exciting plan, or perhaps even the most perfect; and maybe the fireworks display this year will be as disappointing as the last.

But at this very moment, with the sun shining and the birds still chirping on the big tree next door, I couldn't ask for a better end to the year. And I know that tonight, when I look into my husband's eyes and think about how we met, how we battled the big C, of the months of healing, frustration and patience to follow, of planning the wedding and then seeing it all come to life, of our families meeting and then merging as one, of the future we have ahead of us - there will be no place else I'd rather be than right by his side. 

Happy New Year, all. May the journey ahead be colourful, surprising - and always filled with love. 

'twas the night before Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, and Southpark is running on in the background (not out of choice, of course), while I'm feeling distinctly un-Christmassy. It's kinda hard to get into the spirit of the season when you have animated characters cussing in the background.

Then again, it's hard to get into the spirit of Christmas - period - especially in a city like Auckland, where everyone disappears come the holidays. The Husband has been kind, allowing me to divulge in my endless Christmas music while I cook and sing along, and humming to classic Christmas carols in the car. But it's not quite the same when you don't have a group of friends around you singing Christmas carols around the piano, being in the church Christmas choir year after year, or being around your family, talking about your wishes and dreams for the year ahead, is it? 

Christmas to me, was always the best time of the year. Not only was everyone else on a holiday and in a great mood - but it was the one time in a year, when my entire family and all my friends, would gather - either in church, or in my parents' home for our annual Christmas party. When we would do nothing more than share a wonderful meal, share a few bottles of wines, turn on music, sing along to old carols, share our lives, talk, and pray for the year ahead. We would dedicate our lives to God, and we would renew our hopes. We would sing with abandon - and I think above all, that is what I miss the most. 

My second Christmas with The Husband is quiet, but there are moments I treasure. He has his traditions, just as I have mine - and with both of us being so far away from home, we have to make new ones - which isn't always easy. But our Christmas eve meal was memorable, and the company lots of fun. And tonight before we sleep, I will wish him a Merry Christmas with all my heart. I will wish all of life's blessings upon him, and our future. 

It is the night before Christmas. And I will remember most of all, what this night means to me - taught to me by years of Sunday School, and of growing up in church, singing Christmas Carols, preparing for the big year-end pageant, and the constant prayers with my friends . It is not about being cynical. Not about questioning God. Not about the presents beneath the tree. This celebration is about believing. And this year, I want to believe that everything The Husband and I went through, everything we will go through, is for a reason far greater than I will ever begin to comprehend - but will one day understand. And I will re-devote my life to God. Trusting Him with all my heart, and playing my part in it all, the best way I know how.

This season, I want to wish a Merry Christmas to all of you. You've been there for me for the ups and downs in my life; you've been there as family, friends, and strangers. You've been there, simply because there's been a reason for you to keep reading. 

Merry Christmas, to those who've found in my words, a reason, to keep coming back. God bless you all. 

my birthday...

... was filled with surprises!

The Husband woke me up bright and early with a kiss, cuddle, and a hot cuppa coffee (which, on hindsight is really like every other morning =)), before he had to run out to pick Dennis up from the airport. While he was gone, I kept myself busy replying emails, channel surfing, and talking to my in-laws on the phone, until both of them came home and he ushered me into the bedroom - telling me not to come out until I am told. 

Three minutes later, he walked me out of the room with his hands covering my eyes, and led me to the kitchen. I was greeted with the sight of a bottle of champagne, four new champagne glasses, a bunch of red roses, a birthday cake, and a candle lighted up and dancing in the morning sun. 

We had a lovely champagne breakfast of scrambled eggs, hash browns and sausages - and then the Husband drove me to the city to pick out my birthday surprise. None other than a gift from one of my favourite shops in the world, with its signature duck-egg blue and ivory packaging - Tiffany's! He bought me a lovely Elsa Peretti teardrop necklace, which I have been faithfully wearing everyday since. 

This was followed by a leisurely afternoon of doing nothing, before we all got dolled up and headed out to Jervois Steak House for a lovely dinner of, well, steak for the boys, while I had a platter of delectable Alaskan King Crab as an entree and a yummy scallop risotto as the main course. This was, of course, accompanied by a bottle of vino - a Cote du Rhone to be more specific. The restaurant then surprised me with a decorated chocolate platter with 'Happy Birthday' written on it and a little tea-light candle on the side, so I could make my second wish of the day.

All in all, I couldn't ask for a better 26th birthday celebration. The Husband and I had a lovely time, and I adored my little surprises along the way. Thank you, darling.

my lovely surprise breakfast setting

happy birthday to me

lots of presents beneath the tree

I spy a blue one with my name on it

my very first Tiffany's

my necklace awaits!

invisible

funny how you can be just there, yet not there at all.

my prayer

I have been trying, and failing, to write anything since the wedding. I'm not sure if it's the aftermath of all the excitement, or me losing my focus after having only one focus, one goal, for the past year - but my thoughts are all over the place, shrouded with a haze that I can't seem to clear. And so, I do the only thing I know how, when nothing else makes sense - I pray.

The Husband and I had a long conversation last night, with no real conclusion, on where we should head after the year ends. The possibility of us moving back to Malaysia is strong, and in some ways, almost logical - but for my heart. I don't know what I want, what to do or where to go from here. I only know I can't continue to stay in New Zealand without a job, but I'm afraid of uprooting both of our lives after all the changes we've already made to it in the past year.

I've ran from my life back in KL once, only to end up back home, as a single-minded career girl. Except I wasn't happy. And I was constantly looking for an escape route, until I made my way to New Zealand. This time, I know it will be different. This time, if I end up back home again, I'll be there with my new husband. I'll experience my home through his eyes. But the truth is, I'm afraid of being responsible for our lives, for our happiness, for making this decision. The truth is, I don't want to be the one he blames, if it falls apart. I don't want to regret it the way I did the first time, when I made the last-minute decision to return home instead of pursuing a life in Chicago.

I know everything happens for a reason. I know if I never ran away, I would never have met the love of my life. My husband, who happens to be in a job he loves. One that will take him somewhere eventually; while I'm at a complete loss. With no career, no proper immigration status, and a passport that expires in three months, I feel like I'm floating in an abyss, and I'm not quite sure where to land. I don't know where my home is, or where my heart is, or if my unhappiness in New Zealand will disappear once I get my residency, or if I need the hustle and bustle of real city-life again.

I turn 26 in three days, and there's nothing more I want than to be able to build a life for me and my husband. So this is my prayer for the year ahead. A prayer that the Husband and I will find our path, our answer, our home. I pray for security, stability, and safety. For a full life - one without regrets or fear. I pray for God to lead us in the dark until we see the light again. I pray for courage to face uncertainties. I pray that the Husband and I will always walk hand in hand, no matter how difficult the journey will be. I pray for togetherness amongst family and friends.

I don't know where we will be, three months from now. All I know is that God has the answer. And I pray, most of all, that He will help me not to give up, and to trust that He will always light my path home.

"God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I can't change; courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

the day before

My pictures of the wedding weekend are somewhat jumbled up - mainly because I keep receiving them from different parties who captured many different aspects of the weekend. Below are some pictures from the day before the wedding when we first arrived at The Estate, Waiheke Island, and of the wedding rehearsal and dinner that followed.

I'll continue to post up pictures as and when, as I'm still waiting for the main ones from the photographer. It's been heaps of fun relieving the day and going through all these images. As everyone says, the day passes by in the wink of an eye, and all that's left are the memories captured in photographs and videos.

Our marriage is only beginning, but for me, these memories will already last a lifetime.

Caught practicing our first dance

Moment of perfection

Teaching Kim some moves

Relaxing on the terrace

Kim and I enjoying a brief girly chat

Wedding rehearsal dinner at vino vino

Tenderness

the end of the beginning

I am finally home, and have a minute or two to myself to go through some pictures of the lovely, unforgettable weekend that was. While there are about a thousand pictures to sort through from various cameras, I thought it only fair to put up a 'sneak preview' of the beginning of my married life with The Husband, and what was truly one of the happiest occasions of my life.

Dolling up before the guests arrive

The Groom and his best man getting ready in the suite

Little Olivia wanted in on the action

The Husband

Smiling pretty for the camera

Dad was more nervous than I was!

Eyes on the prize

Pretty maids in a row

With this ring...

I now pronounce you...

husband and wife!

Signing the marriage certificate

My gorgeous flower-girl

Hugs and kisses all around

A group shot

With Aunty Jessie, Donna, Baby Delilah and Little Olivia

The newly extended Mahon family

Our dashing groomsmen from Germany

To the bride and groom

... and an unforgettable day

Photography session with our attendants

Announcing Mr. and Mrs. Mahon

Perfection