happiness

I have been soul-searching. A long, slow process that required a lot of contemplation, honesty and quietness. I've been wondering about my life, about my health, money, career, relationships, and everything else that I thought defined who I was - my purpose in life so to speak - and then I read this book, Overworked & Underlaid, written by the very funny and rather wise Nigel Marsh, that gave me the clarity I needed.

"Happiness is a choice", Marsh observes in the last chapter of his book. Having taken a break from his career as CEO to soul-search himself, his words resonated with me. And my many weeks of quiet contemplation and self-observation culminated right there. Happiness is not a journey, or even a destination, as I've been thinking all along. It is a choice.

For a long time now, I've been angry. Disappointed. Sad. Worried. Even though I pretended not to be. I wondered about my never ending health problems. I cursed the fact that after everything I've already gone through, I STILL don't feel well. I questioned my self-worth each time I got rejected for another job position. I worried about our finances, and stressed each time we went out to do something fun, that I inevitably made myself feel worse, and unable to enjoy the activity. And the answer was so simple. Happiness IS a choice.

I can't change the conditions that surround me, but I can choose, on a daily basis, to be happy. I can't change the fact that I will live with an illness for the rest of my life, but I can change my attitude towards it, and accept the fact that I will never be a 100% fit. I will probably never be able to run a marathon, or dance for hours. I will always have to take pills, and have blood tests done on a monthly basis. Those are facts that won't change. But what I can change is how I feel. I can choose to cry about it, or laugh about it. And the only difference will be that with one, I end up unhappy and wallowing, and with the other, I smile, step away from the negativity and focus on things I can be happy about.

After all, I will probably never be the most beautiful, desirable, talented, successful, capable woman in the world. But I can find happiness, and comfort, in simply being average. In being me. I can find happiness in having a family who's stood by me through everything. In a husband who tells me how much he loves me everyday. So from today onwards, I will make a daily choice. I will wake up in the mornings, and tell myself, 'Today, I choose to be happy'. And I will use that same attitude when it comes to things that have been causing me distress - like being unemployed, or having days when I'm feeling particularly ill. If I can't change the situation, then the only thing I can change is how I choose to react to it. And I know now what I my choice will be.

"People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be." ~ Abraham Lincoln