my hour

Today I did something I haven’t done in a long time. On my lunch hour, I walked to a Japanese restaurant I used to frequent when I was working in my first job, sat in a quiet corner with a magazine, ate my lunch by myself, and went for a long walk after – just because I felt like it.

My mind was craving for quiet. I didn’t feel like talking or socializing. I didn’t feel like fake smiling or nodding to something uninteresting someone said. I didn’t feel like laughing, or having a glass of wine. I didn’t feel like pretending to feel anything other than what I was feeling - disconnected, quiet, invisible. And I wanted to embrace that. I simply wanted to be.

We spend too much time putting on masks and pretending to be someone else, because we feel we must. Because the alternative might mean ostracizing others, not having any friends, or people finding you weird and strange. Then again, if the people you surround yourself with are gained through forced conversations, pretending to smile at their silly jokes and laughing with them even though all you feel like is being quiet and crying, are they worth having anyway?

And so I walked. And I walked. And as I walked, I glanced past other lone dinners sitting by themselves looking out the window, lost in thought, staring at the world going by.

And I couldn’t help but wonder if they were feeling lonely too.